The Country Cousins
by Caretaker13
Summary: The Texas branch of the Addams family comes to visit.
1. Chapter 1

It was a typical day at the Addams mansion. Most of the family members were off doing their own thing in different parts of the house. Wednesday and Pugsley for example were playing hangman with their baby brother, Pubert, in the playroom, Grandmama was in the dungeon mopping the walls, and Gomez and Morticia were relaxing in the conservatory, Morticia pruning the heads off her roses while Gomez stood on his head with a cigar in his mouth.

Suddenly a loud slide whistle sound could be heard somewhere in the house.

"Mail's in," Morticial said, casually.

Almost immediately after she said that a human hand popped out of a nearby flower pot and handed her several envelopes.

"Thank you, Thing," she said, taking the mail. She began to sift through it.

"Gomez, look at this here," she said, gracefully gliding over to him. "It's a letter from your cousins down in Texas."

"Ah, the Firefly branch of the family. I haven't heard from them in ages!" Said Gomez, yanking the cigar out of his mouth. He jumped up and took the envelope from his wife, giving her a kiss on the neck in return.

After tearing into it and pulling out a single piece of paper he ran his eyes over the letter quickly. Too quickly.

"Bonne nouvelle!" He shouted. "It says they are coming for a visit in two days, cara mia."

"Wonderful," said Morticia. "We shall have to prepare." She reached to her left and pulled a long velvet rope that activated a gong so loud it shook the whole house. From out of nowhere the Addams butler, Lurch, appeared.

"You rang," he croaked.

"Lurch, we're having visitors soon. Please make up the guest room."

Lurch nodded and started to walk away.

"Oh, and Lurch," said Morticia, causing the butler to turn.

"Put the good bear traps in there."

Lurch groaned affirmatively and left the room.

"I haven't seen old Captain Spaulding in a crow's age," Gomez said to Morticia while rereading the letter and smiling maniacally.

"It has been quite a while," agreed Morticia.

"They were always the wildest branch of the family," Gomez continued. "A bit crude, it's true, but a hell of a lot of fun at family reunions."

Gomez suddenly noticed something odd on the letter towards the bottom, a reddish-brown stain on the corner of the paper.

"What's this, dear?" he asked Morticia, handing her the letter and pointing. "Blood?"

Morticia took it and calmly held it up to her nose. "Barbecue sauce," she said, confidently.

"I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up," said Gomez.

 **To Be Continued**


	2. Chapter 2

Two days later and the Fireflies arrived just as promised. Gomez and Morticia were in the parlor when they heard them coming all the way from the house's main gate, which opened up for the Firefly's truck all by itself.

Captain Spaulding, a big, beefy man in a garish silk shirt who had greasy clown makeup all over his bearded face and bald head, was driving the old beaten up brown vehicle, while Mama Firefly, an older woman with big bleach blonde hair and way too much rouge on, sat in the passenger seat smiling like a moron with her cigarette stained teeth. The rest of the clan was in the truck's bed. There was Baby Firefly, a beautiful, if slutty-looking, blonde girl with long curly hair wearing tight clothing and a cowboy hat, Grampa, who looked like an old west prospector with a spit curl of white hair in the middle of his forehead, and Tiny, who, to spite his name, was anything but.

All of them were whooping and singing some hillbilly song as they made their way towards the Addams house leaving behind a cloud of dust in their wake.

Gomez and Morticia watched from the parlor window with pensive expressions. They loved all their relatives dearly, but sometimes the country cousins could be a bit taxing and they still weren't sure how long they intended to stay. They could already see from this distance that tied to the roof of the truck was about two or three suitcases and a trunk.

"Ah, good old Captain Spaulding, one of my favorite cousins," said Gomez, trying to get himself in a cheery mood, "Leader of the Firefly clan."

"They do make the Addams family proud," said Morticia, "I just wish they hadn't had to change their name for legal purposes."

"Yes, aliases have divided many a family," agreed Gomez.

The truck approached the house quickly and pulled right up to the front door, so Gomez and Morticia headed over to the entryway to greet their guests. Their butler, Lurch, had already opened the front door and gone out to bring in the luggage by the time they got there.

"Well, hey, big fella," said Captain Spaulding, warmly to Lurch as he got out of the truck. "Don't trouble yourself none, Tiny'll get all our shit down."

Sure enough, Tiny, who was easily eight feet tall, stepped out of the back of the truck like a normal person would step out of a bathtub and began to untie the family's things.

"Spaulding, old man!" cried out Gomez as he and his wife headed outside. Spaulding laughed and headed over to him and the two cousins gave each other a warm handshake.

"Gomez, my man, you are a sight for sore eyes, I tell ya what," said Spaulding.

"Spaulding," said Morticia, in acknowledgement when she approached him.

"Is that the beautiful Morticia Addams I see before me?" said Spaulding, giving her a big smile that showed all of his yellow teeth and black gums. He took her delicate hand in his rough one and gave it a kiss like an old school gentleman he had seen in the movies do.

"Charming as always," said Morticia.

"And here's the rest of the brood," Spaulding said, gesturing to the rest of the family as they dismounted the truck and came up beside him. "You remember Gloria my ex-wife, course we all just call her Mama," he said, gesturing to Mama.

"Howdy," said Mama, with a wave.

"My Baby girl, Baby," said Spaulding, gesturing to Baby.

"Hiya," she said, with a smile.

"My, she has grown," said Morticia.

"My stepson, Tiny, back there and of course Mama's pa, Grampa," Spaulding continued.

"Where's Esmerelda at?" demanded Grampa as he came hobbling over to the assemblage.

"Grandmama is inside preparing lunch," said Morticia, cordially.

"Well the only reason I even came on this damn trip was to see her, so if you'll excuse me, " he said, and pushed past Gomez and Morticia into the house.

"You'll have to forgive him," said Mama Firefly. "He just gets crankier and crankier as time goes on and you know how much history he and your mother have, Gomez."

Gomez nodded understandingly.

"Where are your other children?" Morticia asked Mama.

"Otis and Rufus couldn't make it," Baby chimed in.

"Yes, Rufus is real into his taxidermy lately, and Otis… well Otis is just an asshole, but I'm sure you remember that," said Spaulding with a laugh.

Gomez smiled, warmly. "Of course," he said.

"They did make ya'll something, though," Spaulding continued "Tiny, go haul that thing out the back."

Tiny had just gotten all the luggage down and so went around to the bed of the truck where something large and long was up against the cab of the truck covered by a bed sheet. He picked the whole thing up easily and brought it onto the porch of the Addams house as everyone gathered around it to see. Spaulding excitedly pulled the sheet off with a flourish revealing a stuffed human being with a large fish tail grafted to his lower body.

"Fishboy!" announced Mama and Baby in unison.

"How lovely," said Morticia, sincerely. "We'll put it in the playroom for the children to enjoy."

"Where are the little whipper snappers, anyway?" asked Spaulding. "And Fester too?"

"Oh, they're around," said Gomez. "Must not know you're here yet."

"Do come inside and get settled," said Morticia. "We have everything all prepared for you. Lurch, show them to their rooms."

Lurch groaned affirmatively and lead the way, carrying Fishboy in his arms as he went. Tiny had the luggage and followed him inside with the rest of the family doing the same.

"Not used to being waited on hand and foot," said Spaulding to Gomez as they brought up the rear.

"Well, it's mostly hand," said Gomez. "You've met Thing before haven't you?"

"Oh, yeah," Spaulding said, knowingly, and he and Gomez shared a laugh. Then Gomez took a cigar out of the pocket of his suit jacket and handed it to Spaulding.

"Don't mind if I do," said Spaulding, appreciatively. He put his arm around his cousin, who did the same in return, and as they entered the Addams family mansion together, the large wooden doors of the house closed behind them all of their own accord.

 **To Be Continued**


	3. Chapter 3

After getting all settled in and changing out of their traveling clothes, the Fireflies all sought out the Addams' of their choosing.

Captain Spaulding, who had changed into a comfortable dirty white t-shirt and blue clown pants with white polka dots on them, headed out onto the second floor balcony that overlooked the family cemetery, where Gomez and Fester Addams were waiting with the butler, Lurch, and a machine that shoots clay pigeons.

"Glad to see you're making yourself at home, old man," said Gomez, welcomingly. "How do you like your room?"

"Just perfect, Gomez, old boy," answered Spaulding. "Me and Mama love all the homey little touches like the mold on the ceiling and the rat in the corner."

"Morticia's been reading Better Homes and Graveyards again," said Gomez, taking a drag on yet another cigar. Or perhaps it was the same one from earlier.

"I loaned you my comforter," Fester chimed in. He was a short, bald man with a high-pitched voice and no neck. "It's the lumpiest one in the house. Stuffed with genuine vulture feathers."

Spaulding put his arm around Fester suddenly and pulled him into a headlock.

"You old cold sore, you," Spaulding said affectionately as he gave his other cousin a noogie.

Fester screamed happily as Gomez looked on with bemusement.

"Shall we shoot, gentlemen?" Gomez said with a smile.

Lurch took that as his cue and began handing out old fashioned flint lock muskets to each family member.

"Do you do much shooting at home?" Gomez asked Spaulding.

"It's Texas, Cuz, what the hell do you think?"

All three men laughed and then Gomez shouted, "Pull!"

Lurch pulled, and three clay pigeons took to the air. The three men all took aim and fired. Gomez hit his dead on, Spaulding nicked his enough to break it, and Fester missed completely, but did manage to hit the neighbor's second story window, so he got full points.

"Good show!" Gomez cried out. "Let's up our game. Lurch, load the good china."

Lurch groaned affirmatively and began to do as he was told.

"So how's business?" Gomez asked Spaulding as they waited.

"Yes, do you still have that wonderful murder ride?" Fester added.

"Business at the Museum of Monsters and Madmen ain't been real good lately, unfortunately," Spaulding admitted with regret in his voice. "Everyone wants to sit at home on their ass and watch TV these days."

"A true shame," said Gomez, consolingly.

"Some people have no sense of culture," said Fester.

"Yeah, it's rough," said Spaulding.

Gomez noticed Lurch was ready. "Ah, here we go," he said and then shouted, "Pull!"

Lurch pulled again. Gomez and Fester took aim and blew away a priceless antique teacup and matching saucer, respectively, but Spaulding let the third dish fall to the ground un-shot.

"That's actually one of the reasons I'm here, Cousin," Spaulding said, sheepishly.

Gomez and Fester both looked at him with concern.

"Ya see the county is fixin' to foreclose on muh house any day now and unless I can make about a years back payment, I may have to move in with Gloria and the kids again, which would put a real strain on our relationship," said Spaulding.

"I see," said Gomez, rubbing his chin. "How much do you need?"

"Somethin' in the neighborhood of fifty thousand dollars," Spaulding admitted.

"Is that all?" asked Gomez. He reached into his suit jacket and pulled out a wad of thousand dollar bills, then handed it to his cousin.

"Here you are, old man, and some extra to boot. Take the family to Attica on vacation next summer," he said.

Spaulding was overjoyed and gave his cousin a pat on the back before stuffing the money in his pants.

"You sure are a helluva guy, Gomez. You know I wouldn't ask for no charity usually, but the damn government and all..." said Spaulding.

"Think nothing of it," Gomez said, waving away Spaulding's words with his cigar.

Fester looked on and smiled, derangedly, at the familial scene.

"I just love lending money to family," he said. "It creates such animosity."

"Indeed!" shouted Gomez, triumphantly. "Now, let's up our shooting game even further. Lurch! Load the puppies!"

Down in the subterranean kitchen of the Addams home, Mama Firefly, who had put on a hideous pink and lime green mumu and tied her hair up with a large swath of light blue tulle, sat next to her gigantic and horribly deformed son, Tiny, sipping tea with Morticia Addams, while nearby, Grampa Firefly and Grandmama Addams argued.

"I won't tell you again, Hugo, get away from my stove," screeched Grandmama.

"I ain't tryin' to touch your stove!" Grampa yelled back. He had been leaning on it, though, and so quickly stepped away as Grandmama came at him with a large cauldron of... something. She placed it on the stove's open flame.

"You two, back at it again after all these years," mused Morticia, sipping from her steaming cup.

"Not us two," corrected Grandmama. "Just him. From the minute he got here he's been on my last nerve." She gestured to Grampa with the big wooden spoon she was holding and it looked suspiciously like a swipe.

Grampa ducked and then pointed his finger at Grandmama. "You best watch it, Esmeralda, I ain't gonna take the same shit from you I did back in the old days," he warned.

Mama Firefly leaned over to Morticia. "Don't you just love to see old people still in love after so long?"

Morticia nodded.

Next to his mother, Tiny tried to pick up the teacup that sat on the table in front of him, but immediately smashed it into a hundred pieces with his huge hands. The tea went all over his tattered overalls and the table too.

"Damn it, Tiny," screeched Mama, then to Morticia she apologetically said, "My baby don't know his own strength."

Grandmama and Grampa looked over to see what had happened, but then quickly turned back to each other and continued bickering.

"Quite alright," Morticia said, unfazed. "Thing will clean it up."

Immediately the disembodied hand appeared from beneath the table with a rag and began to sop up the spill. Tiny looked down at it as it worked with a blank expression on his monstrous face.

"You're so lucky to have servants," said Mama as she sipped her own tea.

"It's a great help having Lurch and Thing around, it's true," said Morticia. "It allows me to spend more time with Gomez and the children."

"Nothin' like family," said Mama, toasting with her cup.

"Then of course I have my hobbies as well," continued Morticia. "Gardening, knitting, taming alligators, the usual past times of any housewife."

"I hear ya," said Mama. "I've got scapbooking myself. Now that all my kids are older it helps to pass the time."

It was as if Morticia had suddenly noticed the enormous misshapen man sitting across from her as she turned to Tiny Firefly.

"Yes, your son certainly has grown out of his awkward faze," she said, looking him over. "Ever since the fire he's become more and more hansom."

Tiny turned his head into his shoulder and smiled shyly.

"Ow!" Grampa suddenly screamed and Morticia, Tiny, and Mama all turned to see why. Grandmama had stuck his hand into the boiling substance inside the cauldron.

"What on Earth?" asked Morticia.

"Adds some flavor," Grandmama said, matter-of-factly.

"Ya crazy bitch." Grampa said, just as matter-of-factly as he rubbed his sore hand.

Mama laughed and her and Morticia turned their attention back to one another.

"And where is Baby?" asked Morticia.

"Oh, I do believe she's upstairs somewhere looking for the children. She's really a child at heart, ya know."

Morticia smiled politely.

Up on the third floor, Baby Firefly, wearing a tight pair of raggedy blue jeans and an even tighter t-shirt advertising Red Hot Pussy Liquors, creeped through the dark and baron hallways.

"Little pigs, little pigs, come out to play," she called in a soft and childlike voice.

Eventually at the end of one hall she came to some stairs that lead up into the dark and foreboding attic. She gleefully ascended them.

Inside the attic she found Wednesday, a small, pale girl with dark braided hair who was dressed in a dark, pilgrim-like dress, and her brother, Pugsley, a husky blonde boy with freckles wearing a striped t-shirt and short pants, playing with their baby brother, Pubert, who was the spitting image of Gomez, right down to the mustache. They had the baby inside a large toy oven that almost resembled an Easy-Bake.

Baby made a high-pitched shrieking sound and ran over to the children.

"Oh good... you're here," Wednesday said flatly, upon seeing her. Baby threw her arms around her female cousin and squeezed. Wednesday was not pleased.

"I love your braids!" shouted Baby, releasing Wednesday and taking her hair into her hands. Before Wednesday could say anything, Baby turned her attention to Pugsley. "Oh my gosh, look how fat you are!" she yelled.

Pugsley smiled wide. "Hug?" he asked, putting his arms out like Frankenstein.

Baby glommed onto him quickly and he rested his head on top of her large breasts. He turned and faced Wednesday and smiled even wider. Wednesday rolled her eyes in disgust.

Once baby had released him from the unusually long hug he insisted on, she turned her attention to Pubert in the oven.

"What are ya'll up to?" she asked.

"We're making cutie pie," Wednesday said.

"Not until I get to hold my new baby cousin, you're not," said Baby. She went over and took Pubert out and held him in her arms. Wednesday and Pugsley looked disappointed.

"He's so heavy!" cried Baby. She sat down on the dusty attic floor, cross-legged, and put Pubert on her lap, then she motioned for Wednesday and Pugsley to join her. They reluctantly did so and sat down so the three of them formed a triangle. Baby looked at her two eldest cousins. "How have you been?" she asked in a calm way, finally.

"I just got out of juvie," Pugsley said, proudly.

"Nice," said Baby, impressed. "What about you Wednesday? How have you been?"

Wednesday said nothing.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" Baby asked in a mischievous way, poking Wednesday in her side.

"No," Wednesday said, flatly.

"There was one boy who liked her," Pugsley chimed in, teasingly.

"He's dead now," said Wednesday.

Baby laughed a sudden and high-pitched laugh. Wednesday cringed. Pugsley looked at Baby with heart-eyes.

"Let's play a game," Baby suddenly announced.

"We were until you showed up," said Wednesday.

Baby ignored her and looked around the creepy old attic. There were chains, whips, and a chainsaw hanging on the wall. An electric chair sat in one corner, while an iron maiden sat in the other. On a nearby crate was a box of crayons.

"I have a game," Baby finally decided.

Wednesday and Pugsley looked curious.

A short while later, Pubert giggled as he lay in the center of a pentagram that had been drawn on the attic floor with a red crayon. Baby, Wednesday and Pugsley sat around the pentagram in the same triangular formation as before, except they held hands this time, while chanting something in Latin.

All of a sudden, Mama and Morticia's heads popped up from the attic's entrance.

"Lunch is ready," announced Mama. "You all knock off what you're doing and come eat."

"Mama, we're trying to summon a demon. 'The Child Snatcher'," said Baby.

"Now Baby, you're too damn old to be playing those kiddie games," said Mama.

"Plus, Grandmama has made her speciality ," added Morticia, "Stewed Skunk Ape."

"Mmm," said all the young people at once, even Pubert, sort of.

"You can finish your game later," Mama relented. "But for now, the rest of the family is waiting, so move your butts."

And so they did.

 **To Be Continued**


End file.
